I’m really enjoying my new job. It’s very different from what I was doing at my last job, and in a good way. It’s nice working at a desk where my phone rings maybe once a day instead of 80 times. My co-workers are pleasant to be around. They actually seem to really enjoy their jobs. This is obviously quite foreign to me. With my last job being at a collection agency, no one was ever happy. We were all nine shades of miserable. Even those of us who weren’t bill collectors. Over the years things just sort of disappeared. Work incentives, holiday parties, pot luck luncheons. It made it to where the only thing I ever looked forward to regarding work were the paychecks and the week off at Christmas. The six mile round trip commute wasn’t bad either.

But now my commute is more like six blocks. And I come home for lunch every day. And I get an extra 15 minutes of sleep time each morning. And I get to park my car in my garage each day. (this has nothing really to do with my new job. it’s just another awesome thing.)

It’s amazing how much has happened in one month. I never expected 2012 to turn out like this. And I’m so damn happy that it has.

It’s been a whirlwind of a week for me. Losing my job came as such a shock. I suppose it shouldn’t have though. In the nine years I worked for that company there had been several rounds of downsizing. I went from wearing one hat to wearing three and doing it with a scowl. I remember the days when I would go home and rejoice in the fact that I was finally working a job that I didn’t hate. I would come home at night and not complain about anything and everything. But with all that downsizing, I had sort of figured that wearing three hats had given me lots of job security. I do so much around here! They can’t let me go, they won’t know what to do without me.

Yeah, I was wrong. For those who don’t know, I worked at a collection agency. My official title was Client Services Manager. It was my job to find clients, service clients, and be the liaison between collectors and clients. Then as time went on I also started doing data entry, posting all of the incoming payments, scanning, and pointing out everyone else’s mistakes. What was once a job I enjoyed just became a job I had. I couldn’t leave it though. Through a fluke blessing I was being generously paid for the job I was doing. (thank you boss’s wife who was active with the company during the time I got hired and promoted) I knew if I went anywhere else I would have to take a serious pay cut. Also, there were certain perks with my job. A week off at Christmas, $25 a month for health insurance, a short commute, a big private office. So I was stuck. I didn’t finish college so I knew I could not go elsewhere and make even close to what I was making.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So when I was called into my manager’s office at 4:30 last Thursday and given the news that I no longer had a role at the company, I had to trust in that. Yes I cried and freaked out on the drive home. When Thom was unemployed it took forever for him to find work again. And when he did find a job, it was doing something he’d never done before. And in a completely different field than what he was used to. What would we do to pay the bills? How long would I be on unemployment? Would we make it?

Then a window opened. A client that I had worked closely with for the past seven years heard that I had “moved on to bigger and better things”. She knew better than that and by 10 am Friday my phone was ringing and she was getting the real story from me. She wanted to help. She knew of an office that was in need. And before I knew it I had slapped together a resume and sent it over to her. The weekend went by and I was busy focusing on other things, like cleaning out my garage. Monday morning rolls around and I get a call. That same day I go in for an interview and by four pm I had filled out paperwork and been asked to start the next day. It all happened so fast that it felt surreal. Yes I’ve taken a pay cut. Yes I’m starting out at the bottom. Yes it’s a little bit overwhelming being the new girl and knowing it will probably be a year before I have any vacation time. But you know what? I feel so good about it all. There’s room for growth at this company. It’s something similar, but different. It’s mere blocks from my house! The best part though? I NO LONGER WORK AT A COLLECTION AGENCY. Now when people ask me what I do for a living, I don’t have to cringe before I tell them. I don’t have to say “I work at a collection agency BUT I’M NOT A COLLECTOR.” And then try and scramble to tell them what I do knowing all the while all they really heard was collection agency. Collection agency = HORRIBLEAWFULNOGOODPEOPLE.

I must admit, I am a little worried still about how we’ll make it. But it’s not the kind of worry that keeps me up at night. It’s more like a distant thought in the back of my mind. Every few hours I think about something I didn’t enjoy about that job and I rejoice a little bit. I’ll never have to do _____ again. I’ll never have to deal with _____ again. Some of the people I worked with I am so happy to never have to see again. Yes I will miss working with and seeing my best friend every day. She was my person. The one I vented to. The one I laughed with. The one who knows me better than most people on this earth. I hate to think of how my getting laid off effects her day to day role there now. I hate that she no longer has me there to support her. To listen to her. To bring her sausage rolls and new music. She’s a strong woman though. She will take shit from no one and she will be just fine.

And I will be just fine. Thom and I will be just fine. There’s a new path in front of me, and I’m welcoming it with open arms.

The Civil Wars album is on the record player. You are doing the dishes and I am sitting at the computer singing along. You walk over to me and I take your hand. I look up at you lovingly while singing the words to Poison & Wine. You’re smiling down at me and touching my cheek. It’s completely gag worthy to anyone on the outside, but in that moment, it was love.

P.S. Thank you for painting the fireplace today. It’s the suckiest thing ever and you did a great job.

My Thanksgiving weekend was splendid. I ate more food than I probably ever have ever and watched more episodes of Brothers & Sisters than should be allowed. Boy when Netflix has a show on instant, I waste no time in plowing through the episodes. I’m on the 5th and final season now and I’ve only been watching this show for about six weeks now. I love that I don’t have to deal with season finales and cliffhanger endings. Not like I do now with shows like Revenge or when Lost was on.

I avoided black friday shopping almost completely. Thom and I lazed around the house a bit until the afternoon. Then we went to Home Depot to buy a part for the furnace. Our pilot light wouldn’t stay lit and thanks to a friend (the same friend who installed my gas line for my new range) suggesting some things over the phone to Thom, he was able to buy the replacement part and put it in himself. And it only cost us $13. How great is that? Remind me to send that guy a Christmas present.

Saturday I went shopping with my sister and I finally got my hands on a white Christmas tree. I’ve been wanting a white tree for about four years now, but they’re so expensive. All I’ve managed to get my hands on have been tiny little one foot trees. And while this is a fairly small full sized tree, it’s pretty perfect for us. And it was only $25. I was finally able to bust out a huge bucket of sparkly ornaments I bought at Target a few years ago.

I’ve decided I’m doing super low key Christmas this year. In an effort to not stress out about money and the holidays I’m going to be making more gifts this year and buying from local shops. Sure my version of “making gifts” is like Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade cooking, but I’m ok with that. I won’t be buying gift cards this year or trying to rack my brain over what to get someone and then worry if it’s good enough. Besides, Christmas isn’t really about the gifts. It’s about being with people I love and celebrating the birth of Christ. Regardless of when Jesus was actually born, this is the day we choose to celebrate it. I had a bit of remorse over the weekend. Not because I didn’t go out of town to visit family, but because I didn’t volunteer to go feed the homeless. The local Christian station spent all week promoting the John 3:16 mission and asking for donations and I was completely humbled.

I know what it’s like not to have enough money to pay all your bills, but I don’t know what it’s like to go hungry. I’ve never had to steal food from a grocery store to feed myself. I’m so thankful that John 3:16 exists for those who need it. And there’s absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t be volunteering my time or donating my money to them. As I sit here and worry about the bills I can’t pay right now, I’m thankful for the roof over my head. For the furnace that was fixed for cheap. For the car I have to drive to the job I’m fortunate to have.

And instead of sitting around worrying about what bills I can’t pay, I should look for something I can do. If you need a blessing, be a blessing to someone else. You reap what you sow and all that jazz.

Happy Holidays folks.

It’s embarrassing to admit this, but I went many many years without going to the dentist. From the time I was about 14 until I was 29. The main reason being that I didn’t have dental insurance. Also, I didn’t have any issues with my teeth so it was kind of easy to forget to go. I think I was paying for dental insurance at my job for two whole years before I actually went. I was scared, but I knew I couldn’t put it off any more. My gums were bleeding way too much when I brushed. And I was worried I would have a cavity.

I got a referral for a great dentist who was close to my work and made an appointment. That first appointment was bad. Because it had been so long, the dental hygienist used some weird awful tool in my mouth to get rid of the plaque. It wasn’t the scraper, but a more powerful and super sonic piece of equipment. It made this horrible high pitched sound inside my mouth and I thought I would going to lose my shit. White knuckled and ass raised in the air, I managed to get through it. My hygienist, Julie, was very patient with me even though I could tell she just wanted to relax already and let her do her job. She distracted me by asking me questions about books and if I liked to read, and what kind. Which in hindsight always makes me laugh because it is very hard to have a conversation while at the dentist. You know, with people’s hands and tools in your mouth.

Turns out I did have a cavity and I would have to come back soon. And so I did. And I continued to go every six months like a good girl. Each visit got a little less painful and my nerves calmed down a bit more. She never tried to use that tool on me again though. She went back to using her scraper and keeping me entertained by asking me about blogging and BlogHer and again, talking about books. We sure did love to talk about books. I went in last year this time and she looked different. She had a cap on her head and it was obvious it was to hide her lack of hair. I didn’t want to pry though. However, she did end up telling me that at the beginning of the year she had been diagnosed with cancer. She had gone through chemo and was now in remission. It was so successful she never even missed a day of work from being sick. I was happy and relieved and hugged her before I left.

When I went back to my dentist earlier this year for my cleaning, I was excited to see Julie and tell her about the Kindle I had bought. I was curious to see if she was one of those hard core book only lovers, or if she would also embrace technology and cave to the e-readers. Except that she wasn’t there. A much younger girl I had never seen came and got me instead and began working on me. I asked about Julie right away, wondering if maybe she was on vacation or something. That’s when the girl informed me that Julie had passed away. Her cancer had come back quickly and stronger and she had died about a month prior. I was shocked and stunned and saddened. I’m a highly emotional person who already has major dental anxiety. Then the new girl, who replaced my Julie, pulled out that wicked piece of equipment that had been used on me the first time and I thought I was going to be sick. She mentioned she preferred this tool because it was faster. I, however, still hated it and was damn near crawling out of my seat the entire time. All I could think about was Julie and how if she were there she would calm me down and not torture me. And then I began to cry.

It was a silent cry, but the tears just wouldn’t stop. The new girl, whose name I can’t remember, stopped and asked me if I was ok. I couldn’t answer her for fear of sobbing hysterically. She asked if I was crying because of Julie and I nodded yes. She gave me a few minutes to cry some more and handed me some tissues before she began again. But the tears didn’t stop. I continued to cry for the remainder of the cleaning, up until the point when the dentist came in and did his final inspection. I told him how sorry I was to hear about Julie and tried to keep from crying any more.

I left the office that day in pain, nerves shot, and very sad for my twice a year book friend that I never got to say goodbye to.

I’m supposed to go back to the dentist on the 22nd for another cleaning. I don’t want to go. I can’t sit through another torture session that I know will only make me crazy. And then I will start to miss Julie and I will cry again. And then I will be “that patient” who cries every time. I just want my Julie back. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

I sort of want to skip the holidays this year. This is odd for me because I usually get really into Christmas. Well, Christmas spirit that is. I don’t go crazy decorating or listening to that much music. I’m lucky to get a tree up each year. This year though, I kind of just want to go to sleep and wake up and have it be Dec 26th. I don’t want to skip the last week of the year because I always get that week off work so it’s very important for my sanity.

As the years go by, the holidays get harder and harder. I’m reminded once more that I still don’t have kids. All the cousins around me are having kids or had kids years ago. And while I love these kids so much, they are not mine. I’m still left with a feeling that I’m missing out.

Then there’s the matter of gifts. It’s been a rough year for us financially and I know we are not alone in this boat. Several other family members are struggling as well. We already draw names so that we don’t have to buy for everyone, but then you’re faced with another problem. What if you spent time and money and put a lot of thought into your gift, but then the person buying your gift didn’t do the same for you. I’m not singling any one family member out because I saw several examples of it just last year. And while I know Christmas isn’t about gifts, shouldn’t be about gifts, gifts still play a major role. I think it’s less about the gift itself and more about the feeling that goes along with it. It’s as if we try to put our value and self worth into that gift. Aunt Julie loves Sarah a lot because she bought her an ipod, but Uncle Jeff must not give a shit about Robby because he gave him a broken knife that clearly came from the dollar store. Some family and friends have opted to have us do homemade Christmas this year. I think this was devised as an effort to help combat both of those problems, but I fear it will go very wrong. Not everyone is handy or crafty. And if you have to go buy all the supplies to make your gift, you could end up spending more money. I may appear to be crafty, but it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Then there’s the guilt that goes along with making sure you find time in your schedule to see everyone. Do you know that I’ve lived in Oklahoma for 23 years now and I’ve never once spent a Christmas here? Every single year of my life I have gotten in the car and driven the 4+ hours to Dallas to spend it with family. I’ve spent many Christmases without my husband (or then boyfriend) because I wouldn’t budge on Christmas. I’d forfeit Thanksgiving with my family in order to have Christmas. And now that my husband doesn’t have any family left to spend Christmas with, you’d think that would make things easier, but it doesn’t. Between divorces and family dramas, even my family is getting split up more than I like. And I just don’t feel like I can accommodate everyone. And just once, maybe I’d like to wake up in my own bed on Christmas morning.

Since I’m not able to jet off to Vegas like I did last year, I’ve decided that Thom and I are spending Thanksgiving at a friend’s parent’s house. So not only do I not have to cook a huge meal, I don’t have to drive 4+ hours to have the meal. I can make one thing to show up with and just have a good time. I’ll figure out a way later to cope with not getting any leftover turkey sandwiches.

I know it’s just now November and I really shouldn’t even be stressing out about the holidays yet. I should be eating leftover Halloween candy. Except that I didn’t buy any. I shut off my porch light and smiled happily at the fact that my doorbell doesn’t work. Bah humbug!

Last night I dreamt about you. I just showed up at your house and you welcomed me with open arms. Neither of us could remember what we had fought about. What tore us apart. We were just happy to see each other. Happy to embrace and laugh together once again.

And then I woke up.

And it was all a dream.

And I was sad, once again.

1. Watch/read inspirational weight loss journey show on tv/blog, become inspired and decide to do something about it.
2. Purchase fitness groupon type thing and/or join gym. (again)
3. Fish out weather appropriate exercise clothing.
4. Buy more of that type of clothing because you never have enough.
5. Sit down to write out grocery list full of healthy food you will buy.
6. Surf the internet for recipes and ideas of things to buy.
7. Get frustrated at the fact that you are a picky eater and don’t like any of the food in these healthy recipes.
8. Narrow search down to healthy recipes for picky eaters.
9. Discover that the internet is full of lying mcliarpants because picky eaters do not eat gorgonzola pear and walnut pizza on whole wheat crust. (WTF?)
10. Get frustrated and show up at grocery store with incomplete list and no idea what to get.
11. Purchase healthier foods and spend lots more money at the store than usual.
12. Start diet and obsess over the food you can and cannot eat for 16 hours a day.
13. Blog about new journey and hope for the future.
14. Exchange emails and tweets with people who have your best interest at heart.
15. Get frustrated at everything and everyone.
16. Cave and eat things containing sugar and butter and salt.
17. Throw away healthy food that has spoiled because no one wanted to eat it.
18. Cancel gym membership or trash groupon because it’s not getting used.
19. Suddenly stop posting about said diet and try to distract everyone with shiny things.
20. Wait X amount of time and repeat step one.

At the moment I’m on step 9. Only this time I’ll probably skip step 13. Maybe even delete my blog completely. What’s the point of it all anyways?

How many rooms have I redone in this house so far? Six. Except that I haven’t finished any of the rooms. For whatever reason, I have left unfinished projects in every room. I haven’t painted the ceiling in five of the rooms. I haven’t hung or rehung things, I haven’t painted any brick yet. I have four windows that need proper curtains. And I’m already plotting the redo of the craft room. Starting with the name. I will no longer refer to this room as the craft room. Henceforth it shall be known as the spare room. Because I can’t tell you the last time something was actually crafted in that room. I buy all this crap and then I use it non stop for six weeks and then it dies a horrible death of neglect.

So yeah, I don’t finish projects. Instead I spend lots of free time pinning awesome photos and ideas on Pinterest. Things that inspire me, but not enough to actually get off my butt and do them. Save for the occasional new recipe.

So yeah, just like many other aspects of my life, my rooms go unfinished. It’s so sad.

I’ve developed a recent obsession with Amish fiction. I can’t seem to get enough of these stories of every day Amish life and love. It’s a refreshing change from all of the smut and filth that is everywhere you look these days. Not that I don’t enjoy my episodes of True Blood, or dropping the token F-bomb here and there. It’s just that the Amish are so fascinating. When I think about all of the things in my life that bring me pleasure, they are all somehow tied to electricity. Obviously this does not include the people in my life as they run on food for fuel.

• television
• computers (twitter, blogging, surfing, shopping)
• radio
• iphones
• ipods
• movies
• reading (if you count the books I read on my Kindle)
• driving (not really electricity, but something the Amish don’t do)

The Amish find joy in the simple things like baking, singing, bird watching. They aren’t all caught up in the vanity of life. They are a tight community and are there to help one another at all times. And I have to admit, I kind of envy that. When I’m reading these stories it makes me long for a simple, plain life. One that wouldn’t require me to worry about makeup or dieting or whether or not my dvr recorded my stories.

But then I start to think about a world with no tv, no computers, no electricity, no car and I sort of panic. I don’t want to be without my creature comforts. I don’t want to wear long sleeved dresses and stockings year round with no air conditioning. I don’t want to worry about my reputation being tarnished if I’m caught alone in a barn with a man talking. I don’t want to think about being shunned for sipping on alcohol. And I certainly don’t want to have to sew all of my own clothes. Although I will admit that learning how to quilt could be fun. And I’m sure I’d make the best pies and jam this side of Pennsylvania.

I’ve always been a city girl at heart. I like knowing that everything I need to survive is so close by. Having to drive an hour or more to get into town for basic things would drive me nuts.

Still I find myself longing for a much simpler life. One with a big porch and homemade lemonade and children running around the yard. A life unplugged.